A reporter's regrets
by Worstcase
Summary: After the end of the world you should think VIPs would finally be safe from paparazzi. You thought wrong! And who might be the top VIP out there in the wasteland? Let's see how many chapters I'll need for this one.
1. Introduction

_Somebody is spying on Captain's squad - no, not Stalky -, at least not this time... _

_What are their intentions?_

**A confession**

My name is PR, not much of a name and rather a serial number, I admit it. The world has ended, the nuclear winter will last for who knows how many decades, monsters and mutants roam the dead cities.

And today I killed a friend.

I need to begin this story way before the apocalypse. Back when my career as a news reporter was started. Unusual way of wording? Well, it wasn't actually my choice to become a reporter, it was a humans choice to become a reporter and I was created to be the humble stunt double.

I was customized to go to locations and report about places my human couldn't go to, for whatever reasons – too dangerous, too narrow recording angle is better from waaayy up there, lunchbreak... you get the idea.

I've been hit by baseballbats, shot at, burned, drowned in the harbor and cast into concrete more times than I actually care to count, while all my human got was a burnt tongue from drinking too hot coffee.

Now I think about it: I can't believe we were originally the same person! There must have been some mistake somewhere! Maybe they gave me the wrong personality or something and I'm really the reincarnation of Jackie Chan?

But I digress...

Anyway my warranty ran out within the first week of my operation time. So

it was quite ironic, that of our whole newsteam it was just us drones, who rose from the rubble and settling dust when the end finally came.

I wouldn't go as far as calling us 'survivors', since we're nothing more than small, floating balls made of metal, antennas and cameras running on backup copies of someone elses' personalities.

Unlike those fancy drones the ANNET is using we have no flame throwers, neither can we order an ion cannon strike from space. We have to deal with trouble on our own.

My only weapon is the word. You know, this whole quill is stronger than sword thing would be far more comforting, had I actually a quill to stab opponents with.

But it looks like I don't even need that to murder someone.

And there we are again at my former statement.

As I mentioned there were three of us. Me the reporter, Mike our audio engineer and Cammy our main camera woman. Together we are/were RAD-News!

And this is the tale about the big scoop, our last report, our desperate efforts of taking a snapshot of the face of the one called Zee Captain!


	2. Mission: I spy!

*Are you sure this information is the real thing? That guy was... odd.*

Three small metal balls were floating over the snow, in a not so perfect triangle formation. This was mostly due to the circumstance, that the one of them, who had just 'spoken' was flying in wavy lines as if listening to some music only itself was able to hear – which was actually the case. Being a drone had at least one benefit over being a human, you were your own MP3 player. And you didn't need to talk out loud, at least not among other drones, for that there were transmitters.

+He said the Captain's angry stare made someone's head explode. Isn't that totally cool? And wasn't it you who picked up that strange signal in the first place? The one we weren't able to decode? You said there's a story behind it, one we just couldn't miss.+

The second metal ball turned a bit to point it's main camera lens at the first speaker.

*True, but I wouldn't rely on that info any more, even in case he had not offered to 'abduct you to a restaurant of your choice', Cammy. And why was he calling you 'fashionable Earth-drone'? That guy definately had a few screws loose! And come to think of it, I have never seen a bot of that model before.*

#Well, we don't have any better stories to investigate. Or would you two rather do a documentary about the mating habits of giant roaches, ..._again_?#

The third metal ball interfered.

*Yurrgh! I didn't even know I could still feel like puking!*

+Everything but that, PR!+

#Ah, isn't it just the best to work with such highly motivated teammates? Besides, I have a hunch this will turn out to be something really great!#

*You and your 'hunches'. Excuse me, but I'm gonna search my database for some creepy, foreboding background music, I have the 'hunch' I should really play some right now.*

...

After that the drone-trio progressed in silence, following the trail of empty baked-bean-cans, crayon doodles and vandalized trafficlights.

It wasn't difficult finding and following the Captain and his minions, that actually turned out to be the easy part...

...

...

+Does he remove that mask like you know... _EVER_?+

#He has to! How else would he eat? But hell, we've been watching their base for a whole week now, and we didn't even see as much as him taking off his hat!#

*Does that mean we're giving up?*

#Are you _crazy_, Mike? Of course not! If anything that only proves we're o to something! Why else would he keep his face covered all the time, even in front of his own subordinates? We need to get closer and when an opportunity doesn't show itself... we will create one! ...Actually...I have a plan!#

*I see. Time for the sinister, foreboding music again...* the drone called Mike sighed.

...

...

Engie was feeling uneasy. The Captain had announced a contest for catching the rarest Pokemon in the area this morning. So Seven himself, Charles and Pilot were currently out there, hunting and the engineer shuddered at the thought, whatever mutated creatures they would drag back home.

He had talked himself out of the contest by claiming, that he had a deadline for putting together the machine Seven wanted for tomorrow's mission, which was apparently finding the lost graveyard of the paperclips. And now he was working on it - or at least he tried.

Engie had the feeling that somebody or something had been watching him and that already for a few days now. It should be impossible, their base was in a high level of a skyscraper after all. Captain and Pilot didn't seem to notice anything unusual and Snippy... The sniper would probably just laugh about the engineer's paranoia so he just hadn't told him about it. Even though Charles had inquired a few times why Engie was avoiding getting near the windows of their headquarters and made a few stupid comments about fear of heights.

And now another problem had turned up: Engie was out of copper wire.

He would have to leave the semi-safety of their base to go fetch some, since Seven would definately think up some nasty punishment, should the machine not be done in time.

He would just have to quietly sneak by the invisible observer...

...

+What the hell is he doing there?+ Cammy was watching with interest as the human with the amber goggles and the furry coat was climbing down the staircase on tiptoes while trying to dodge from shadow to shadow, then he stumbled over some rubble and fell on his face.

*Being a ninja: You're doing it wrong! Anyway, that was the last of them leaving, what now?*

#This is our chance! Their base is unguarded, let's make our move!#

*And it doesn't occur to you, that that guy is trying to... 'sneak' away, because he is aware of our presence? We could be directly running into a trap, PR.*

#Good point, we'll proceed with caution. Listen up, here comes the plan:

Our first goal is transporting the necessary equipment into their base. We will get in through the broken window to their living room. Once there we'll locate the Captain's room, place the material and then we'll get the hell out of there.#

+Okay!+

*Well, I just hope we can get all that stuff up there without problems.*

Each of the three drones extended a pair of robotic bird legs, then they hopped over to prepared net with the equipment like sparrows.

+Heavy, heavy, _HEAVY_!+

#Oh damn! This is more than I thought. But hang in there!#

*Let's just get this over with!*

Despite the combined efforts of the three drones, it took them over half an hour to complete the first step of the plan. Putting down the heavy weight for a moment they quickly cast a look around in the humans' base but the coast was clear. Opening closed doors proved to be the only problem they encountered.

Captain's room wasn't even locked.

The drones were in the middle of arranging the equipment they brought, when Mike's sensors suddenly picked up movement.

*Crap! Someone is back! At least one of them, and he's in the living room. We wont be able to take the same way back.*

+Is it the Captain? We can't be caught like this, right?+

#Yes, leave everything as it is now. We need to retreat. This room has no windows and those in the other rooms we checked have been nailed shut. Let's get back through the central corridor and take the first door to the left, we didn't look there, yet. Hurry up!#

The drones slipped away and just managed to close the door behind them when another door to the corridor opened and footsteps drew closer.

This was the first time the drone-team had a chance to examine their new surroundings...

+Oh god!+

*This is... it's just...like walking unprepared into the room of a serial killer!*

#Cammy, Mike: Start visual and audio recording!#

"Ahem...Test, test test...

This is PR from RAD-News! Our camera team finds itself in mortal peril! While investigating a group of human survivors, we have secretly proceeded infiltrating their base. Now we are on the verge of discovery, trapped in a room coverd in parts of former victims of a merciless slayer of ... electronics!"

+Just look what he did to that innocent radio over there!+

"A pursuer approaches just as I speak. Stay tuned as we try to escape a dire fate!"

#Okay! Cut! How are the windows?#

*All sealed, too! What now?*

A knock on the door made the three drones almost jump.

#Hide! In the boxes, between those parts!#

+But that...+

*Just do it!*

"Gromov? Were you just talking to someone? Hello?"

...

"Are you in there?"

...

"I'm coming in!"

The door opened and the human with the blue goggles entered.

"Am I hearing things? Where is that guy? He said he would be working here all day."

The man took another step into the room and ... something made 'click'.

...

The machine on the table started humming, just as Snippy hastily stepped off the switch on the floor.

"Bwah?!"

*+#Craaaappp!#+*

The sniper felt something tugging heavyly on his rifle, yanking him forward.

Within a second every single one metallic object in the room was sticking to the powerful electro-magnet Engie had been working on.

Snippy struggled to free himself of the strap of his rifle, which refused to move even for a millimeter.

Finally he managed to press the switch again. The sniper looked at the resulting mess, shaking his head in disbelieve at the chaos.

Snippy lifted his rifle up, screws, nails and other parts of junk still sticking to the barrel.

"Just how strong is that damn magnet? How am I supposed to use my rifle like this? Damn, Gromov, where are you! Get here and fix that at once!"

The sniper left, slamming the door behind him.

...

+Is he gone?+

...

*Yes. I hear him stomping down the stairs.*

#Can any of you guys move?#

+...No.+

*The magnetised junk sticking to me is too heavy.*

#Same here, but watch who you're calling junk.#

+Wait...You're telling me we're stuck together like ...+

#...Like three stupid oddballs, yes.#

*Maybe if we move all together again?*

#Yes, the 'let's get the hell outta here' part of the plan is taking too long already for my tastes.#

Again with united efforts the drones finally managed to set into a slow and shaky flying motion, leaving a trail of screws, pins and wire parts behind, which one by one fell off, as the magnetic forces slowly ceased.

The next room had a broken window and another bunch of junk parts fell off when getting caught between the shards. After that it was just a long drop down towards the street.

+Hey do you know what we now totally look like now?+

#More getting away and less talking, Cammy.#

+But it's important!+

*Okay,okay! ... Wait a moment, cue the sinister foreboding music. ...So _what_ do we look like?*

+We totally look like a Magneton!+

*A...a _what_?*

#Wait isn't that a...#

"**Photoshop! I choose you!**"

#...pokemon?#

*+#Oh ... _CRAAAPPP!_#+*


	3. Mission: Protect zee flag!

Pilot climbed the stairs towards their base rather carefully. Normally he would have spread out the arms and pretended to be a starting plane slowly gaining altitude while sprinting them up - but not this time.

He had just won second place in pokemon hunting, even without actually catching anything. Too bad that one Magneton had escaped in the last minute. But it was good to know that Snippy the stupid shoe had done even worse than that. The sneaky sniper hadn't even grasped the basic concept of catching something and had shot his prey instead.

Captain had declared that killing a pokemon was worth 50 points of demerit.

Snippy had protested, that this was a god damn, plain normal rat, which was meant for dinner.

Of course Captain had been horrified by the idea of eating a pokemon.

Snippy had pointed out, that they had rats for nearly every dinner for the last few years and asked, whether he was supposed to just throw away perfectly fine food now.

Captain had insisted on a funeral for the pokemon.

Now Snippy was forced to write and recite a funeral speech, while Pilot was allowed - as the second price - to take care of the incredible pokemon Captain had caught today.

Pilot would feed it and walk it and train it everyday, until it would finally evolve into something even more awesome and would be big enough to eat Mr. Snippy.

Pilot cast a very happy smile at the pokemon in it's confinement.

He finally reached the top floor of the building and... found the door to the base barred from inside.

Pilot pulled at the door and heard several chairs clatter around behind it.

"Open up shoes! In the name of the most glorious Captain!"

"Pilot? ... Wait, are you really Pilot? Can you prove it to me, that it is you?"

This question puzzled Pilot for a moment.

"Who else am I supposed to be you jiggly slug, I'm not Captain, Engie is you and I don't_ ever_ want to be Snippy! Let me in you useless shower sandal or I'll steal your nose and replace it with one of Snippy's socks!"

"... ... Okay, you're Pilot, no doubt! Thank god you're back!"

Furniture was hastily moved and Engie pulled the door open.

"Pilot! Somebody broke into our base, while we were out and... ... Is that a goldfish?"

Pilot lifted the big water filled jar up, so Engie was able to behold it's contents better.

"Not a goldfish you blindfish! Obviously that is a Goldeen! Captain caught it, and Snippy lost the game and...wait ..._INTRUDERS_?

...

...

The three 'intruders' were huddled together in their hideout, which was a huge cardboardbox with the words 'news redaction' scribbled on the side in bold letters.

#That cost me 50 years of battery life...#

+I knew my knowledge of attacks would come in handy one day! We escaped, 'cause it was super effective!+

*All you did was using your flashlight to blind the crawler worm for a few seconds!

God I swear I heard screws dissolving in it's digestion fluids, when it snapped at us! And why did green goggles throw a damn shoe? I mean a shoe?! What's wrong with that human?*

#Well, at least we're all intact and got away safely. Plus our trap is in place as well. All in all it was a complete success so far. Now all we have to do is sit back and wait.#

*Are you sure it will work? I mean... isn't that trap a bit too obvious?*

#Don't underestimate me, Mike! I had time to study the individual called Captain for a week after all. He will fall for it, definately!#

...

...

When Snippy returned to the base he encountered the very same problem Pilot had been confronted with earlier, the only difference was that instead of a few chairs now an oversized wardrobe, two tables and a sideboard were blocking the door.

"What is the secret password you shoe?"

"What the hell, Pilot? Let me in you moron! We don't have any secret passwords!"

"We have now! And if you don't know them, you are the enemy!"

"Bwah? Damn it open the door! At once!"

"No! You are a shoe and can't do anything about it!"

"Pilot, this isn't funny!"

"Password or stay out!"

Unfortunately this was the only way into the base. And Snippy realized that he had to change his tactics dealing with Pilot. If this door was still blocked, when Captain returned, their crazy commander would probably make Snippy balance over some ledge from window to window to get in. So how difficult could it possibly be to guess one of Pilot's passwords?

The sniper sighed.

" Okay,... Is it Captain?"

"No."

"Shoe?"

"No."

"Photoshop?"

"No."

...

...

When Captain finally returned to his headquarters, Snippy had just arrived at 'Zooming Ardvark', mayor killing intent and a serious headache.

"What is this boobery minions? Playing guessing games without your Captain?"

"Ah Captain! 'Captain' is the right password!"

"Bwah?! That was the first one I tried you jerk!"

"Captain is obviously Captain's password only, you jiggly slug!" Pilot answered while clearing the door.

Snippy pushed angrily by him, and almost ran into Engie, who entered the room from the other side.

"The hell? You were here, too?"

"This is our base, where else should I be, Charles? Rather tell me where you have been all this time! What was keeping you?"

"What was...keeping me?"

Only a stern gaze from Captain prevented not one but two grizzly murders at this point.

Finally Engie spoke up:

"Seven, while I was out, looking for more parts a burglar broke in! You should see what that jerk did to my room!"

"Err... well that..." Snippy tried to interrupt but the engineer had gained so much momentum he just continued.

"He .. or they, probably there is a whole gang of them out there, ... they were in all of our rooms and pilfered through our stuff.

Snippy tried again: "Gromov, I need to tell you, that ..Wait what?"

"Minions, your Captain heard enough! We can't have intruders in the very heart of our military control center! So what did these ruthless foes of captania steal?"

"Um... actually ... that is the odd part..." The engineer glanced towards Captain's room.

...

"They left us a polaroid camera? Combs, hairbrushes, razors and a few bottles of shaving foam?

Are those guys trying to tell us something?" Snippy asked mildly amused when seeing this collection.

"Zis is a direct challenge!" Captain finally declared. He had been studying the piece of paper, that had been planted in his room. "But zey will regret zis impertinence!"

Snipp took a look at the offensive paper and facepalmed.

ARE YOU A **WINNER**?

DO YOU FEEL **LUCKY**?

ARE YOU ZEE MOST **SEXIEST CAPTAIN** OF THEM ALL?

THEN **PROVE IT**!

SHOW US YOUR (and your minion's) **MOST RADIANT SMILE**

AND WIN **FABULOUS PIZES**!

SEND YOUR PHOTOS TO "**AWESOMEPRIZES 'R US**" AND

RAKE IN THE **SWEET SWAG**!

(_We don't accept photos with gasmasks or goggles!)_

"Minions! We will search for zee sacred, secret graveyard of zee paperclips another day!" Captain took a sip of his tea.

"We have a contest to win! And you will look like zee most handsome and delicious minions any Captain ever had!"


	4. Mission: Contest time!

_This chapter contains my personal theory about how Captain is eating. I'll believe it to be true until proven wrong._

* * *

"It seems to be in perfect working order, Seven. There are still eight unused pictures left on the film." Engie had spent the whole night checking the suspicious camera, somebody had 'accidentally' left in their base.

"Exellent! I shall strike a sexy pose and you will take zee photos Engie."

"Seven,... you are aware it wont make any difference which pose you'll strike? With this sort of camera the results will always be the same."

"True mein minion! Your Captain will be looking magnificient no matter what."

Engie just rolled his eyes in response to that.

...

...

Three sets of lenses watched as the human commander moved down the street towards the mailbox. Captain stood a while in front of it, envelope in hand and pondered.

#Just throw it in, human! What are you waiting for?# PR silently shouted into the ether, after ten minutes of waiting.

"No! Look at all zee dust and rust you are not a proud good-luck-mailbox at all. Zee Captein can't entrust you with zis most important letter!"

#What?! Wait a second... did he just answer me?#

*Impossible! That must be some crazy coincedence. He was just talking with the mailbox.*

Captain moved on to inspect the next candidate. After shunning another five mailboxes for being smeared with graffitty, home of a family of rats, smelly (however Captain would know that with his gasmask on), bad mannered or being a trafficlight spy in disguise, he finally settled for the 'valiant epitome of resisting all odds' – which meant he finally found a mailbox that was so twisted, broken and deformed, that it rather looked like a piece of modern art.

Captain solemnly tossed the envelope in and marched off, humming.

*I think that was 'Return to sender, adress unknown!'... He has a strange sense of humor.*

+One question: How do we get the envelope back out of that thing?+

*#...#*

...

...

After spending several hours of futile attacks on the mailbox, involving a screwdriver, a crow bar and a whole box of squibs, the drones finally retreated in defeat upon nightfall.

As PR and Mike hopped into their cardboardbox-hideout, Cammy stayed behind, looking at the lettering reading 'News Redaction' on the side.

+Oh, of course, how stupid of us!+ with this she grabbed a black marker and added

'& AWESOMEPRIZES 'R US contest jury' before following the others, to go into battery save mode for the night.

...

...

The next morning the drones were waked rather ungently by Captain's envelope being thrown on top of them.

#What? Who?#

Mike floated upwards to see an old human, wearing an UPS jacked, walking off.

*...I wonder what his story is?*

#We'll cover that another time! Get down here! This is the jackpott!#

The three drones shredded the evelope apart like a swarm of piranhas until the photos laid spread out in front of them.

#They wrote their names on them, very well. Let's see what we have here. Minion! Minion! Minion! Gahhh!#

*Why did they take one of the crawler worm?*

+Is it smiling?+

#How should I know?#

*Where is the photo of the Captain?*

+Here is one!+

#...#

*...*

+...+

#What the hell?#

*What about the others?*

+There is three more of him. ...All the same as this one+

#How? Why?#

*And what now?*

#We have no choice. Commence stage two of the plan... Ladies and gentlemen! I think we have a winner!#

...

...

It was not easy eating breakfast, while Captain was pacing up and down the room, waiting impatiently for an answer to his letter. Engie, Snippy and even Pilot were only picking at their food until Snippy finally sighed.

"Why wont you sit down? This whole thing looked like the most stupid prank ever. And even if it's not, guarding the door wont speed things up."

"No, Mr. Snippy, our prizes should be here any minute now. I don't want to miss zee postman."

A knock on the door interrupted before Snippy could express his doubts on the matter.

The sniper grabbed his rifle and Engie dodged behind the couch as Captain pulled the door open.

On the welcome mat sat a parcel.

"We won! We won!" Pilot started dancing through the room.

"Great! Because this doesn't look suspicious at all!" Snippy said with sarcasm. But of course the entire concept of sarcasm or irony was lost on Captain, who gleefully grabbed the parcel and placed it onto the breakfast table.

Snippy pointed the gun, ready to shoot anything coming out of that thing on it's own and Engie decided to stay behind the couch, just in case, as Captain opened it.

"Candy!" Pilot cheered!

"And plushis? This is supposed to be awesome swag? Snippy asked.

"There is a can of ravioli in tomato sauce, too. I'm calling dibs on that!" Engie had finally decided to take a look as well.

"Not so hasty meine minions! We can't just start eating anything that was sent to us." Captain gave Engie a slight slap on the hand.

"Finally you see reason! Did nobody ever warn you to check your halloween candy for poison or razorblades, when you were a kid Gromov? This stuff could be lethal!"

"Nonesense Mr. Snippy! But we can't just split these wonderful prizes, before we know, who is zee rightful winner!" Captain declared and Snippy resisted the urge to facepalm again.

"Here read their letter loud for all of us to hear, Engie!"

"Let me see:

Dear Captain and minions, here is the long awaited result of our contest.

Mr. Snippy, sorry but we had to disqualify you for 'not smiling'."

"You wouldn't be smiling, waking up with Pilot kneeling over you brandishing a sraight razor!"

"Mr. Engie, try not to look like a ... what the? They say they disqualified me becauseI look like a lunatic serial killer!?"

"No fans of your's it seem, Gromov." Snippy chuckled.

"Continue Mr. Engie!" Captain waved all the engineers protests to the side.

"Pilot, next time you take a photo of yourself, try not to put both thumbs on the lense! Disqualified!"

"Awww."

"Second prize, the can of ravioli goes to... Photoshop?... They got to be kidding, right? ... We don't know whether it's actually smiling, but we are certain it looks very very hungry, which makes us more and more nervous the longer we stare at that photo, so please go feed it!"

"Photoshop won a prize! Yay! Who is the prettiest girl in the whole wasteland? Photoshop is!"

"Stop making such a ruckus!" Snippy tried, but it took a while to calm the happy Pilot down. Finally Engie was able to continue:

"Dear Captain, it looks like you misunderstood something, we meant the most 'radiant' smile, not the most 'radioactive' smile. We are not sure how you did it, but all photos of you are completely overexposed due to radiation. And while we weren't able to see anything on them, this nevertheless proves you to be the worthy winner of our contest! Congratulations on your first prize consisting of twenty (20) candybars and three (3) teddybears."

"Wow! Captain that is so amazing!"

"No, Pilot, this is totally fishy!"

"Snippy is right! This is totally rediculous! I should have won!"

"You are just jealous of Captain's greatness! What will you do with your prizes now, Captain?"

"I will eat zee candy of course!"

All the minions' attention was on the Captain, so none of them noticed, that the three teddybears eagerly leaned forward on that announcement.

Captain took one of the candybars and ... dropped into his mug, without even as much as unwrapping it. It dissolved in the bubbling and sizzling liquid within seconds. Captain took a sip through his straw and declared:

"Delicious!" before taking the box and turning towards his room.

"Oh Pilot, here catch!" Captain tossed him the can for photoshop and the three plushis. Feed our beloved pet and use those bears for zee flying machine experiments."

...

...

Later, three teddybears were drifting off, carried by the wind and dozends of pretty red balloons.

*Are you guys stuck in your stupid disguises, too?*

+Yes.+

#Well well, you may have won this time, Captain! But those balloons can't float forever and then we will be back!#

*Cue the ominous background music!*

#Oh, shut up, Mike!#


	5. What's left in zee end

Three days had passed, before the drones were able to get back to the ground and rid of the teddybear costumes. It took them four more days to retrack their way to Captain's base. Unfortunately the unintended break hadn't helped to improve PR's mood, rather in the contrary. During all this time the reporter drone had rarely spoken a word with its friends aside from:

#Get the deflated balloons and follow me!#

The fact that, while they were on their way back, PR completely ignored a swarm of roaches building a monolith, a skyscraper that folded into itself like an Escher painting or the posters announcing an Elvis comeback concert, was another hint, that something was maybe slightly off with their teammate (and the world per se).

...

The drones had again gathered some material and were now hiding in the building across from the Captain's base, waiting for the latter to step out of the door.

*Mind to explain the plan to us?* Mike finally broke the silence.

#What is there to explain? We have those!# PR lifted one of the balloons into the air, which the drones had just filled with bright orange paint.

#When zee Captain steps on the street, we throw the balloons at him. Then we have all the time in the world to take photos when he takes his mask and goggles off to clean them! No more subtle tricks! This time we will go for the direct confrontation! #

*Riiiight! Because this can't go wrong at all.*

"Why ees your friend playing zee sinister music?"

"He hasn't been playing anything else for two weeks now. Mike doesn't have more than four or five tunes to switch between, something about user rights I think. But he's really overdoing it with this one..." PR had answered with audio automatically, when adressed in the same manner, before slowly realizing, who had asked the question in the first place.

+Ummm... PR...+

#_He_ is right behind me, isn't he?#

*Yes!*

PR turned slowly around, to face the human commander. Captain was holding his mug, stirring his tea with the straw, before taking a sip.

"And what might zis boobery be for?" he pointed at the paint bomb, using the straw he was still holding.

A drop of tea dripped on the balloon...

To his surprise Mike noticed, that fluid filled contrary to gas filled balloons burst without much noise. That was the only law of physics that was followed, that moment, though. It actually should have been impossible for the paint to splash upwards and hit the three drones while completely avoiding the Capatin's clothing.

It looked almost like the paint had its own will and was trying to get the hell away from that one drop of tea.

There was an awkward moment of silence, where the only noise was the paint, slowly dripping of the drones.

Then the commander just continued as if nothing had happened:

"You know, zee Captein has seen zee three of yours snooping around zee headquarters! You were trying to steal zee stately secrets of Captania!"

"Surely you mean the 'state secrets of Captania', sir?"

"You were trying to steal those, too? Do you know what we are doing with liddle spies?"

+Is that one of the state or one of the stately secrets?+

"No! We don't know! And we are no spies! We are reporters, dammit!"

"Oh? Is zat so? Zee Captein gives no interviews! Especially not to zee floating, paint smeared oddballs!" Captain turned away and waved the drones off.

"Well played, sir, but know that we will be back, when you least expect it and..."

+This is kinda embarassing...You are threatening a wall there PR, he is more to the left.+

*Wait! You can see something? Does that mean you still have a useable camera left, Cammy?*

+Sure. You two caught most of the paint.+

#God damn it, Cammy! Why didn't you say so sooner? Get ready to take a shot! This is our very last chance!#

"Oh, Captain! Wait a moment!" PR tried to at least halfway turn into the direction of the human commander and floated upwards to get on eye-level wih him.

"Make it quick, annoying, liddle paintball! Zee Captain has more important things to do than denying a brassy reporter zee interviews!"

"You got paint on your mask, sir! And the shape of it looks just like that totally sissy hippy-peace symbol!"

...

"You are trying to bluff zee Captain, drone!"

"Are you willing to bet 100 creds on that?" PR responded smugly.

...

...

A few blocks away from the humans' base the three drones took refuge in a halfway intact bathroom and attempted to get rid of the paint.

#Success! Finally!#

*I can't believe he actually took his mask off to check!*

#Best hundred credits I've ever invested! And this will be the greatest report ever published! All our work finally pays off! We just need to find the best way to broadcast the material now. We should make it a 'Zee Captain special' with the photo revealed just at the end! Our sponsors will pay millions to get some ad-minutes in!#

*PR... all our sponsors died in the apocalypse. Nobody makes advertisements anymore, because nobody is selling or buying anything. Money has no longer any value! Any humans left out there are into this hunting and scavenging buiseness!*

#Oh, ...right. That's too bad. Well, there's still the Pulitzer prize to go for!#

*Yeah... Pulitzer prize material, absolutely...* Mike just couldn't bring it over himself to tell PR more of the bad news.

#Anyway, send over the datafile of the picture, Cammy, so we can take a look at it, too.#

...

#Cammy?#

+Sorry, but I don't have it anymore+

Mike and PR stopped their attempts to remove the paint and just stared at the camera drone.

+You see, the lighting was really bad there and the angle wasn't right either, I couldn't possibly publish a photo of that a crappy quality. It just wouldn't be right, no? So I already deleted it. Let's just try again.+

#You ...WHAT?#

*What about your internal memory?!*

+Well, you see... I'm not saving my memories as movies but as log entries, to save storage space. So everything I got there is: 'Saw Captain's face today, totally awesome!'+

#... ... ... ...#

+PR? Are you okay? Why aren't you saying anything? ... PR?+

...

...

And that's when it happened. I just snapped there. I don't even remember the details but Mike told me, that I screamed so loud, that I overcharged his audiosensors, then I kicked Cammy across the bathroom and she landed in the toilet. I didn't know it was still in working condition or that the water in the tank wasn't frozen. But actually, I was not surprised at all when I hit the flush and Cammy went down just like this. It was like I felt the frustration of every viewer, that had waited and hoped to learn, what zee Captain's face was looking like, in that very moment. And I believe, that it was this anger, that made the flushing work, in an abandoned building, with temperatures below -10°C.

Okay, that makes no sense at all. I guess it was just a matter of time, that I'd loose my sanity. Human minds aren't made to be trapped in mechanical bodies, no matter how much of our memories have been engineered to fit them. And if I'm not destroyed anytime in the near future, my battery will keep me 'alive' for another 500 years.

How will I spend those? Alone and without friends. Well, Mike is still there, but how will he ever be able to trust me or look at me without contempt for what I have done to Cammy? I can only exist with my regrets and...

+Hey PR! What are you writing there?+

#Don't interrupt me! I'm just expressing how much I'm regretting that I killed you and...#

...

#_CAMMY?_#

The camera drone was hovering a few inches behind the reporter drone, trying to rub off half frozen mud and sewer-filth from its case with a tissue.

+You know,... I'm back since about a whole hour. I didn't want you to see me like this, but this stuff just wont get off. ... ...Are you still mad at me?+

#You're alive? YOU'RE ALIVE!#

PR tackled into the other drone and both were rolling over the floor.

#How did you survive the sewers? Weren't there tons of scary, hungry, mutated monsters? Do you need repairs?... ... Did you discover any juicy scandals?#

+Yes! You wont believe it! I saw a giant cave down there full of... wait! Does that mean you don't want to go after Captain's secrets any more?+

#... I ... I still want to. We have never given up on a story before. But I think I really lost it there, back then. I can't guarantee it wont happen again and next time you might have less luck... . Mike will surely say, that...#

The sound of metal hitting concrete annouced the appearance of the latter. Mike entered the room at such a high speed, that he litterally bounced along the walls.

*What are you two still doing here? Come on! You gotta see this! Remember that goldfish Captain caught last week? It had a growth spurt, cracked its jar, grew legs and mutated into something unspeakable! And now it's trashing their base!*

+Seriously?+

#Allright everybody! Start audio and video recording!#

"Ahem! ... This is PR for RAD-News! Just now we got reports about an attack on the base of zee Captain! It seems an apparently harmless goldfish in the care of his minions has decided to reenact evolution and go dinosaur on their sorry butts. As we close in on the scene we hear gunshots and curses. Now we wonder what Pilot was feeding it. And the answer is obviously: Not enough!

'Cause it is hunting Captain's sniper and his engineer through the building, not going too easy on the walls either.

What's zee Captain's tactic?

And will the minions survive it?

Will there be a one on one battle between Photoshop and the new challenger?

Stay tuned! This is RAD-News! We will keep you informed!"


End file.
